The Whole Truth
by FlameSky25340
Summary: After leaving the Death Eaters and joining the Order, Snape writes to Lily to explain everything, from calling her a mudblood in fifth year, to joining the Death Eaters, to giving Voldemort Trelawney's prophecy. This is literally that letter, written in 1980/81, before Lily and James are killed.


**Author's Note: I've never written anything, so there's a strong chance that this isn't any good. Please leave a review so that I know if I'm on the right track. Constructive criticism is welcome.**

 _ **~Disclaimer~ I own nothing.**_

 _Dear Lily,_

 _You know by now that I have left the Death Eaters - that I have left_ him _. More importantly, you know_ why _. Before anything else - and I don't expect you to accept or believe this, but it has to be said - I am sorry._

 _I am sorry that I called you a mudblood all those years ago. The memory of it sickens me, and even writing the word now is difficult. I am sorry that I continually put my association with the Death Eaters ahead of my relationship with you. And more than anything, I am sorry, though the word doesn't begin to describe the unbearable pain and shame that this has caused me, that I have set the Dark Lord on your trail. I ask one thing of you and that is to believe me when I say that I had no idea that the prophecy was referring to your son. If I had, I never would have given it to him. Please know that in spite of everything, I would never,_ ever _do anything to hurt you. Or your family._

 _Now, if you'll give me the chance, I want to explain everything to you. I want you to know why I did the things I did and made the choices that I made. I am not making any excuses; I know full well that I have caused irreparable damage, and that my actions are unforgivable. I do not ask for, nor do I deserve your forgiveness, but you are the one and only person who has ever really known me, and the only one I've ever truly cared about. So I want you to know everything, to understand what led me to the abominable decisions that I've made._

 _My contempt for muggles was imbedded in me at an early age, and as cliche as it sounds, it all stemmed from my relationship with my father. You know how he was; you know how he despised people like us. Ironically, my muggle father had almost as much hatred for magical people as the Death Eaters have for muggles. He didn't allow magic to be used in our house, and when it was, my mother and I would suffer the consequences, sometimes violently. As such, I grew to hate him just as he had hated us. And I associated_ all _muggles with his attitudes, which undoubtedly laid the foundation for a future serving the Dark Lord. Of course, at ten years old, I never could have imagined the horrors that I would become involved with, but you can see how the seed was planted._

 _All of that hate, though, was set aside in the summer of 1969. My troubles at home, my isolation at school, the complete darkness that my life had been up to that point, was broken by a ray of sunlight that brought me the first shred of happiness I had ever experienced - you. I can still remember with perfect clarity the first time I saw you, swinging with your sister on the playground. You seemed so different from me; not a care in the world. But I realized we had one thing in common as I watched you jump off and soar through the air, higher and farther than any muggle child could have. I realized immediately that there was something special about you - you were a witch. The only one I'd ever met, up until that point, who wasn't a relative of mine._

 _I returned to the playground every day for the next couple of weeks, hoping that you would show up again, and watched as you gleefully showed off your magic to your sister. I finally got up the nerve to approach you, and told you of the wizarding world, and from that day on you were the greatest - the_ only _\- friend I ever had._

 _A couple of years later, we went to Hogwarts. It was the thing I had been dreaming of for as long as I could remember, and the best part was that we were going together. I knew I'd be in Slytherin - almost all of my relatives had been - and I hoped with everything I had that you would be, too._

 _That hope came crashing down when you were sorted into Gryffindor. It had been such a disappointment to me that I almost wished I had been, too. As I walked over to the Slytherin table after I was sorted, I caught a glimpse of you with your new housemates, and though you were only three tables away, I felt as though we had been separated by a continent. It was the first time since we had met that I felt distant from you, and all my old feelings of isolation came back to me._

 _Until I was welcomed by my own housemates. If there's one good thing you have to say about the Slytherins, it's that they're very big on brotherhood, fiercely protective of and loyal to their own (if nobody else). After growing up in a world where nobody bothered to mask their indifference toward me, I finally felt like I belonged to something. It in no way made up for the two of us being split up, but it meant that I wouldn't have to go it alone at Hogwarts._

 _As I would later learn, that brotherhood was all for nothing, because it was the thing that separated us more than the Sorting Hat itself ever could. The age-old rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor had often forced me to choose between my brothers - not to mention my ancestral house, and my identity as a Slytherin - and the one and only person I valued above anything else. And every time I chose you it was like I was carving away at my connection to Slytherin house. My housemates condemned me for "siding with the enemy." The friends I had made were abandoning me one by one. And soon enough I'd be right back where I started, alone and despised and ridiculed. This is why I was not sorted into Gryffindor; a braver person would have stood up to them. But I didn't. Too many times I sacrificed my friendship with you so that my housemates would accept me. And over the next few years, our relationship became more and more fractured as I surrounded myself with the people who would one day try to destroy you._

 _And then there was Potter. To think there was a time when you hated him as much as I did, and now you two are married with a child. I'm not going to insult your husband, because if you've managed to get this far into this letter without tearing it up and throwing it out, then surely any disparaging comments toward James would put you over the edge. I wouldn't mention him at all if he wasn't directly involved in the event that ruined our friendship forever, and to this day, remains the absolute worst moment of my life. I won't rehash every detail of that day on the grounds; you were there, you know what happened. But I want you to know that I'm sorry for what I said, and I will never forgive myself for how I hurt you. I took no joy in saying the word; it was a pathetic attempt to save face during the most humiliating moment of my life. And if I had known that it would push you away from me for good, then I would have kept my mouth shut and let Potter hex me all he wanted. Lily, I truly am sorry._

 _With that said, you know how I felt about Potter. I don't even think that my father ever got to me the way that he often did. He was, for seven years, my greatest enemy. And so I was absolutely livid when he started going out with, of all people, my greatest friend (yes, even though we'd barely spoken to each other for a year prior to this, you remained, and_ still _remain, my greatest friend). But I was so angry, not just at Potter, but also - and it kills me to ackowledge this - at you. I felt betrayed, I felt rejected, and yet again, I felt alone. And so, I sought solace in the only place I felt accepted - with the Death Eaters. It didn't happen right away; those of us who were still at Hogwarts were low on the chain, and it wasn't until leaving school that the Dark Lord gave us any consideration._

 _Then graduation came, and one of my last memories of Hogwarts was watching you, happy and smiling, making your way to the train home - with Potter's arm slung possessively over your shoulder. You had come with me, and you were leaving with him. I had been replaced; forgotten._

 _Then a month later I came across your wedding announcement in the Prophet. The next day, I recieved my Dark Mark._

 _I know what you think of me. I know that you don't see me any differently than you see the other Death Eaters. And I'm not going to say that I_ am _different. I never personally killed anyone, but I stood by for two years and watched the higher-ups do it. I used the Cruciatus Curse on multiple muggles and muggle-borns, for no other reason than because I could. I was a faithful servant to the Dark Lord, though really, he never held me in very high regard. I was new to the ranks, and I wanted to impress him. That's why I was so quick to bring him Trelawney's prophecy - I knew it would put me in his good graces. I'd go from the bottom of his ranks, to one of his most valued servants. The thought put a smile on my face as I went to bring him this information._

 _And it all backfired._

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..."

 _I had no idea you were pregnant. I had no idea the prophecy spoke of your son. But he figured it out, and he started planning. I was frantic; I begged him to spare you. But I knew it was worthless. The fact that you're muggle-born would have been enough for him to kill you, regardless of the prophecy. That's when it hit me, just how terrible, how merciless he is. My head was spinning, trying desperately to think of some way to stop him from going after you. Then I realized what I always knew - the only person who could ever stop the Dark Lord was the man I had been working against for the last two years. Dumbledore._

 _You know the rest. You know that I am working against the Dark Lord now. But what you don't know, Lily, is why. It is not because I've seen the light, and realized the error of my ways. To be perfectly honest, I_ always _knew, deep down, that I had become a monster, and worse than that was the fact that I didn't care. I didn't care who I was hurting, or why. I had no principles guiding me as I fought the Dark Lord's war. I was merely a stoic servant, doing as I was told. Unlike the others, I had nothing to believe in, no real reason to fight. Becoming a Death Eater, like so many of my Slytherin brothers had, just seemed like the only thing left for me after Hogwarts, because on the day that I called you a mudblood, I lost the only thing that had ever meant anything to me. I lost you._

 _And as I cannot possibly sink any lower than I already have, as there is no pride or dignity left in my being, and most of all, as I want to lay everything out on the line, once and for all, I have to say, Lily, that I have been in love with you since the first day I met you. Maybe you figured it out years ago, because in retrospect I wasn't particularly subtle. Either way, I had to make sure that you knew, and that no matter what has happened to us, no matter what I have done, and no matter what happens from this point on, I have always loved you, to this day I_ still _love you, and I will continue to love you until the day I die._

 _And that is why I am going to do everything I can to put an end to the Dark Lord's reign. I am going to do everything I can to make sure he never hurts you, or Harry, or James. Yes, I know I will never be the man for you, and I accept that. But when this war is over, I hope that there is the slightest chance that you will see me again, that you will grant me one chance to apologize in person for every horrible thing I have done to you and your family, and that maybe, if I have to put_ myself _under the Cruciatus Curse as penance for what I have done, you will allow me the one ray of sunlight that has brightened my otherwise darkened life._

 _I said at the beginning of this letter that I wouldn't ask your forgiveness, but now I am_ begging _for it. Lily,_ please _forgive me._ Please _._

 _Love, always and forever_

 _Severus_

 ** _A/N: I hope that was at least somewhat enjoyable and insightful. Again, please review._**


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